Happy birthday!
Happy birthday!
Rach, come on.
It's your birthday!
Hey...
She's not as pretty as
she was when she was 29.
Ms. Greene wants to establish some
ground rules before she comes out.
Please don't use the words
"old" or "downhill"...
or "They still look
pretty damn good. "
They do.
Rachel, come on out.
Monica made breakfast.
Chocolate chip pancakes.
We've got presents.
Good ones?
They're all from the list
you gave us two weeks ago.
Can I keep the presents
and still be 29?
Come on, Rach, turning 30
is not that big a deal.
Really? Is that how you felt
when you turned 30?
Why, God, why?
We had a deal.
Let the others grow old, not me!
You guys, is it just me?
Am I overreacting?
No, it's not just you.
My 30th birthday sure wasn't much fun.
And now Chandler!
We're all getting so old.
Why are You doing this to us?
The One Where They All Turn Thirty
You're in a great place in your life.
You have an amazing job, good friends.
Your roommate's a soap opera star.
Your character is in a coma.
I promised myself
I wouldn't cry at this one.
I know my life's going pretty well,
but I see so many people...
who've accomplished their goals
before they're 30.
Yeah, but you shouldn't compare
yourself to me.
-Come on, Phoebe!
-You can do it!
-Come on.
-There you go.
I did it!
One mile on a Hippity Hop.
That's everything I wanted to do
before I was 30.
Except I wanted to
patch things up with my sister.
Oh, well. But, yeah!
Girls, this thing is a godsend,
if you know what I mean.
Let's have some fun.
What do you want to do?
I don't want to do anything.
Doing nothing on your 30th is better
than doing something stupid, like Ross.
That was a practical purchase.
I needed that car for transportation.
Okay? I have a child.
How hot do I look in this?
Ross, a sports car?
Wouldn't it be cheaper
to just stuff a sock down there?
That's not what this is about.
I am a sports car enthusiast.
-I've always been into cars.
-What's the horsepower?
I don't know, but look how shiny!
-I can't believe you bought this.
-So can I have a ride, stud?
Hop in.
Get ready for the
smoothest ride of your life.
Damn it.
Okay, who's next?
I am gonna do something today. I
won't sit around like some old lady.
I want to get something pierced.
Like my nose or my tongue or something.
Really? Because that hurts.
So what?
The way I see it. .
Son of a bitch!
Look, I know what
you're going through.
I'm totally freaked out
about turning 25.
Get out of my apartment.
Rach, I think that you're doing great.
Let's face it,
no one handles this well.
Least of all you.
Put that back on.
Monica will be here any minute.
But it hurts my Joey's apple.
For the last time, it's not named
after each individual man.
You've done a wonderful job with
the party. Everything's so lovely.
Well, not as lovely as you.
I can't believe you have a
30-year-old daughter.
And I can't believe you have
a tux that's 30 years old.
It's older than that. Ross was
conceived right near this tuxedo.
Everybody hide!
She's coming.
Everybody down!
Everybody stay here.
I'll find out what's going on.
Hey, you got the door open!
Hey, are you drunk?
No.
Okay.
Okay.
See, I was a little nervous
about turning...
30.
So the busboys took me out
for some drinks.
Might want to puke on you later.
Here's the thing. We've thrown
a very formal surprise party for you.
-Your parents and friends are in there.
-No!
-Yes! Yes!
-No.
Oh, no! My parents have never
seen me drunk.
That they know of.
We'll get you some coffee. They'll never know that you're drunk.
-You promise?
-I'll take care of it.
I love you so much.
Okay, we have to do something
about your breath.
What about your breath?
That's still yours.
Now remember,
it's a surprise party.
So when you go in, act surprised.
Ready?
Surprise!
Okay, forward. Forward.
Stop!
Okay, back. . Stop!
Okay, for. . Stop!
Stop! Stop!
Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
I'll break into this minivan,
put it in neutral.
You push it forward
so Ross can get out of the spot.
All right. Here we go.
Haul ass!
Happy 30th birthday! Here.
It's for the child in you.
And the woman.
Happy 30th!
Why do you keep saying that?
Because it's our 30th birthday.
Yeah, no, we're not 30.
We're 31. Okay.
Wait.
Oh, it's you.
Yeah. What?
Yeah, we're not 30. We're 31.
That's what it says
on my birth certificate.
You have a birth certificate?
I got a big box of family stuff
when my mom died.
Our mom.
Right. Okay.
-Do you have mine?
-No, I sold it to a Swedish runaway.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, we are 31!
Yeah.
I just lost a whole year of my life.
Okay.
-Your middle name is Pamela?
-Yes.
I never knew mine.
Do you remember what it is?
Yes.
Phoebe.
-That's my first name.
-Right. Okay. Then, no.
We made it across the room.
You're doing great.
What's going on?
Monica's a little drunk.
Yeah! I love drunk Monica.
Oh, she's so much more fun
than regular Monica.
She doesn't want her parents to know.
All right, all right.
Here's what we'll do.
I'll get twice as drunk,
then no one will even notice her.
What's going on?
Monica's wasted.
Maybe that'll liven up this party.
Will you just help her get changed?
Taking care of a drunk, naked woman
seems like a job for Joey.
This one's from me.
It wasn't on your list,
but it's really fun.
A scooter.
Stick to the list.
Always stick to the list.
No, no, I love it. Thank you.
Open ours next! Open ours next!
Now that you're a couple,
we don't get two gifts?
For my last birthday,
you gave me a hug.
Read the card! Read the card!
"Happy birthday, Grandma.
It's better to be over the hill...
than buried under it.
All our love, Monica and Chandler. "
That's funny.
No, no. That was a joke.
I know, I get it. It's funny.
Because you're not a grandma.
To be a grandma, you have to
be married and have children.
I don't have any of those things.
That's why it's so funny.
I'm just gonna go...
All you had to do was buy the card.
It was stupid to get upset about
not having a husband and kids.
All I really needed was a plan.
See, I want three kids.
And you want to have them all at the
same time and all for your brother.
As I was saying...
I should have the first one
by the time I'm 35.
Which gives me five years.
If I want a kid when I'm 35, I don't
have to get pregnant until I'm 34.
Which gives Prada four years
to start making maternity clothes.
But I want to be married
for a year before I get pregnant.
Really? That long?
Look all you want, it's happening.
I don't have to get married until
I'm 33. That's three whole years.
Wait a minute, though.
I'll need a year and a half
to plan the wedding.
And I'd like to know the guy
for a year, year and a half...
before we get engaged.
Which means I need to meet the guy
by the time I'm 30.
Which is fine
because you just turned...
28!
No, Ross. No, it is not fine.
I should already be with
the guy I'm gonna marry.
Will you quit hogging it?
I'm telling you, it's like
watching Bambi learn how to walk.
You're drunk.
Mom and Dad are gonna be mad.
Maybe I'm a little drunk. Are those crab cakes?
I told you to come straight to me
when they were ready.
How you feeling?
You are so handsome.
I want to make love to you
right here, right now.
I really wish that you wouldn't.
Just get through a little bit more,
then we can put you in bed.
Just smile, and don't talk to anyone.
Speech, speech!
Let's hear from the birthday girl.
Phoebe!
See, everybody's looking at me.
The plan's working.
I didn't even have to
take off my top yet.
Speech. Come on, speech!
You can't keep your hands off her
for one second.
I think it's nice.
I think it's necessary.
I want to thank you all for coming.
My family and...
my friends.
I'd really like to say that I'm...
You know what I'd really like to say?
I'm drunk!
That's right, Mom and Dad.
Your little old "Harmomica" is hammered.
And guess what?
I've been drunk before.
And I've smoked a cigarette.
It's all okay.
It's okay because...
I turned 30 today.
And I can do anything I want.
Because I am a grownup.
Okay, quick. Help me get this off.
I lost a whole year.
I can't believe it.
This is so unfair!
Come on, Phoebe, it'll be okay.
Will it? Will it?
How would you feel if
you found out you were 31?
That's not gonna happen.
Because we have a new deal.
Plus, it ruined my schedule.
I haven't done the things
I wanted to do before I was 31.
-Like what?
-Like I haven't met any Portuguese people.
I haven't had the perfect kiss.
And I haven't been to sniper school.
Why don't we go and
have some birthday cake?
I just feel like being by myself.
See you guys later. Thanks.
Poor Phoebe.
Hey, you guys, I think
I'm gonna walk her home.
-Oh, man.
-What?
He's gonna eat the cake.
Phoebe!
Listen, I.. .
Close your eyes.
That's one thing to
cross off your list.
Oh, yeah.
Plus, I'm one-sixteenth Portuguese.
Okay, is everybody clear?
We're gonna pick it up...
and move it.
All we need is teamwork.
We're gonna lift the car...
and slide it out.
Lift...
and slide.
-Ross, I really don't think this. .
-Lift...
and slide.
-Okay, here we go.
-All right, everyone.
Lift...
and slide.
-Hey, Joey. .
-Come on, Rach, my turn just started.
Actually, I just want to talk to Tag.
Oh, okay.
Hey, can I ride this outside?
Whatever. I'm not your mother.
Not in the street!
-Are you feeling any better?
-Yeah, I'm doing okay. I'm...
Let's talk.
What's up?
Oh, Tag...
You're such a great guy.
And we have so much fun together.
-But I..
-Wait.
I think I see where you're going.
Before you say anything else,
can I say one more thing?
Well said.
And a good example of the fun
I was referring to.
But I think I'm past the point
where I can just have fun.
Don't do this. This is just
because you're turning 30.
Yeah, it is.
But you're just a kid.
I mean, you're 25.
-Twenty-four, actually.
-Oh, God.
You know what I wish?
I wish you were six years older.
Well, if I'm wishing for stuff,
I wish I was six years younger.
-Me too.
-Yeah. Sorry.
Hey, how'd it go?
If I only want two kids,
can I keep him for another year?
You did the right thing.
I don't like this anymore.
Well, here we are.
Just a bunch of 30-year-olds.
Do you realize in 10 years
we're gonna be 40?
Why, God?
Why are you doing this to us?
Yes! My baby's finally free.
All right!
Start it up. Let's go!
How hot are we?
You want to buy a car?
Happy birthday!
Rach, come on.
It's your birthday!
Hey...
She's not as pretty as
she was when she was 29.
Ms. Greene wants to establish some
ground rules before she comes out.
Please don't use the words
"old" or "downhill"...
or "They still look
pretty damn good. "
They do.
Rachel, come on out.
Monica made breakfast.
Chocolate chip pancakes.
We've got presents.
Good ones?
They're all from the list
you gave us two weeks ago.
Can I keep the presents
and still be 29?
Come on, Rach, turning 30
is not that big a deal.
Really? Is that how you felt
when you turned 30?
Why, God, why?
We had a deal.
Let the others grow old, not me!
You guys, is it just me?
Am I overreacting?
No, it's not just you.
My 30th birthday sure wasn't much fun.
And now Chandler!
We're all getting so old.
Why are You doing this to us?
The One Where They All Turn Thirty
You're in a great place in your life.
You have an amazing job, good friends.
Your roommate's a soap opera star.
Your character is in a coma.
I promised myself
I wouldn't cry at this one.
I know my life's going pretty well,
but I see so many people...
who've accomplished their goals
before they're 30.
Yeah, but you shouldn't compare
yourself to me.
-Come on, Phoebe!
-You can do it!
-Come on.
-There you go.
I did it!
One mile on a Hippity Hop.
That's everything I wanted to do
before I was 30.
Except I wanted to
patch things up with my sister.
Oh, well. But, yeah!
Girls, this thing is a godsend,
if you know what I mean.
Let's have some fun.
What do you want to do?
I don't want to do anything.
Doing nothing on your 30th is better
than doing something stupid, like Ross.
That was a practical purchase.
I needed that car for transportation.
Okay? I have a child.
How hot do I look in this?
Ross, a sports car?
Wouldn't it be cheaper
to just stuff a sock down there?
That's not what this is about.
I am a sports car enthusiast.
-I've always been into cars.
-What's the horsepower?
I don't know, but look how shiny!
-I can't believe you bought this.
-So can I have a ride, stud?
Hop in.
Get ready for the
smoothest ride of your life.
Damn it.
Okay, who's next?
I am gonna do something today. I
won't sit around like some old lady.
I want to get something pierced.
Like my nose or my tongue or something.
Really? Because that hurts.
So what?
The way I see it. .
Son of a bitch!
Look, I know what
you're going through.
I'm totally freaked out
about turning 25.
Get out of my apartment.
Rach, I think that you're doing great.
Let's face it,
no one handles this well.
Least of all you.
Put that back on.
Monica will be here any minute.
But it hurts my Joey's apple.
For the last time, it's not named
after each individual man.
You've done a wonderful job with
the party. Everything's so lovely.
Well, not as lovely as you.
I can't believe you have a
30-year-old daughter.
And I can't believe you have
a tux that's 30 years old.
It's older than that. Ross was
conceived right near this tuxedo.
Everybody hide!
She's coming.
Everybody down!
Everybody stay here.
I'll find out what's going on.
Hey, you got the door open!
Hey, are you drunk?
No.
Okay.
Okay.
See, I was a little nervous
about turning...
30.
So the busboys took me out
for some drinks.
Might want to puke on you later.
Here's the thing. We've thrown
a very formal surprise party for you.
-Your parents and friends are in there.
-No!
-Yes! Yes!
-No.
Oh, no! My parents have never
seen me drunk.
That they know of.
We'll get you some coffee. They'll never know that you're drunk.
-You promise?
-I'll take care of it.
I love you so much.
Okay, we have to do something
about your breath.
What about your breath?
That's still yours.
Now remember,
it's a surprise party.
So when you go in, act surprised.
Ready?
Surprise!
Okay, forward. Forward.
Stop!
Okay, back. . Stop!
Okay, for. . Stop!
Stop! Stop!
Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
I'll break into this minivan,
put it in neutral.
You push it forward
so Ross can get out of the spot.
All right. Here we go.
Haul ass!
Happy 30th birthday! Here.
It's for the child in you.
And the woman.
Happy 30th!
Why do you keep saying that?
Because it's our 30th birthday.
Yeah, no, we're not 30.
We're 31. Okay.
Wait.
Oh, it's you.
Yeah. What?
Yeah, we're not 30. We're 31.
That's what it says
on my birth certificate.
You have a birth certificate?
I got a big box of family stuff
when my mom died.
Our mom.
Right. Okay.
-Do you have mine?
-No, I sold it to a Swedish runaway.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, we are 31!
Yeah.
I just lost a whole year of my life.
Okay.
-Your middle name is Pamela?
-Yes.
I never knew mine.
Do you remember what it is?
Yes.
Phoebe.
-That's my first name.
-Right. Okay. Then, no.
We made it across the room.
You're doing great.
What's going on?
Monica's a little drunk.
Yeah! I love drunk Monica.
Oh, she's so much more fun
than regular Monica.
She doesn't want her parents to know.
All right, all right.
Here's what we'll do.
I'll get twice as drunk,
then no one will even notice her.
What's going on?
Monica's wasted.
Maybe that'll liven up this party.
Will you just help her get changed?
Taking care of a drunk, naked woman
seems like a job for Joey.
This one's from me.
It wasn't on your list,
but it's really fun.
A scooter.
Stick to the list.
Always stick to the list.
No, no, I love it. Thank you.
Open ours next! Open ours next!
Now that you're a couple,
we don't get two gifts?
For my last birthday,
you gave me a hug.
Read the card! Read the card!
"Happy birthday, Grandma.
It's better to be over the hill...
than buried under it.
All our love, Monica and Chandler. "
That's funny.
No, no. That was a joke.
I know, I get it. It's funny.
Because you're not a grandma.
To be a grandma, you have to
be married and have children.
I don't have any of those things.
That's why it's so funny.
I'm just gonna go...
All you had to do was buy the card.
It was stupid to get upset about
not having a husband and kids.
All I really needed was a plan.
See, I want three kids.
And you want to have them all at the
same time and all for your brother.
As I was saying...
I should have the first one
by the time I'm 35.
Which gives me five years.
If I want a kid when I'm 35, I don't
have to get pregnant until I'm 34.
Which gives Prada four years
to start making maternity clothes.
But I want to be married
for a year before I get pregnant.
Really? That long?
Look all you want, it's happening.
I don't have to get married until
I'm 33. That's three whole years.
Wait a minute, though.
I'll need a year and a half
to plan the wedding.
And I'd like to know the guy
for a year, year and a half...
before we get engaged.
Which means I need to meet the guy
by the time I'm 30.
Which is fine
because you just turned...
28!
No, Ross. No, it is not fine.
I should already be with
the guy I'm gonna marry.
Will you quit hogging it?
I'm telling you, it's like
watching Bambi learn how to walk.
You're drunk.
Mom and Dad are gonna be mad.
Maybe I'm a little drunk. Are those crab cakes?
I told you to come straight to me
when they were ready.
How you feeling?
You are so handsome.
I want to make love to you
right here, right now.
I really wish that you wouldn't.
Just get through a little bit more,
then we can put you in bed.
Just smile, and don't talk to anyone.
Speech, speech!
Let's hear from the birthday girl.
Phoebe!
See, everybody's looking at me.
The plan's working.
I didn't even have to
take off my top yet.
Speech. Come on, speech!
You can't keep your hands off her
for one second.
I think it's nice.
I think it's necessary.
I want to thank you all for coming.
My family and...
my friends.
I'd really like to say that I'm...
You know what I'd really like to say?
I'm drunk!
That's right, Mom and Dad.
Your little old "Harmomica" is hammered.
And guess what?
I've been drunk before.
And I've smoked a cigarette.
It's all okay.
It's okay because...
I turned 30 today.
And I can do anything I want.
Because I am a grownup.
Okay, quick. Help me get this off.
I lost a whole year.
I can't believe it.
This is so unfair!
Come on, Phoebe, it'll be okay.
Will it? Will it?
How would you feel if
you found out you were 31?
That's not gonna happen.
Because we have a new deal.
Plus, it ruined my schedule.
I haven't done the things
I wanted to do before I was 31.
-Like what?
-Like I haven't met any Portuguese people.
I haven't had the perfect kiss.
And I haven't been to sniper school.
Why don't we go and
have some birthday cake?
I just feel like being by myself.
See you guys later. Thanks.
Poor Phoebe.
Hey, you guys, I think
I'm gonna walk her home.
-Oh, man.
-What?
He's gonna eat the cake.
Phoebe!
Listen, I.. .
Close your eyes.
That's one thing to
cross off your list.
Oh, yeah.
Plus, I'm one-sixteenth Portuguese.
Okay, is everybody clear?
We're gonna pick it up...
and move it.
All we need is teamwork.
We're gonna lift the car...
and slide it out.
Lift...
and slide.
-Ross, I really don't think this. .
-Lift...
and slide.
-Okay, here we go.
-All right, everyone.
Lift...
and slide.
-Hey, Joey. .
-Come on, Rach, my turn just started.
Actually, I just want to talk to Tag.
Oh, okay.
Hey, can I ride this outside?
Whatever. I'm not your mother.
Not in the street!
-Are you feeling any better?
-Yeah, I'm doing okay. I'm...
Let's talk.
What's up?
Oh, Tag...
You're such a great guy.
And we have so much fun together.
-But I..
-Wait.
I think I see where you're going.
Before you say anything else,
can I say one more thing?
Well said.
And a good example of the fun
I was referring to.
But I think I'm past the point
where I can just have fun.
Don't do this. This is just
because you're turning 30.
Yeah, it is.
But you're just a kid.
I mean, you're 25.
-Twenty-four, actually.
-Oh, God.
You know what I wish?
I wish you were six years older.
Well, if I'm wishing for stuff,
I wish I was six years younger.
-Me too.
-Yeah. Sorry.
Hey, how'd it go?
If I only want two kids,
can I keep him for another year?
You did the right thing.
I don't like this anymore.
Well, here we are.
Just a bunch of 30-year-olds.
Do you realize in 10 years
we're gonna be 40?
Why, God?
Why are you doing this to us?
Yes! My baby's finally free.
All right!
Start it up. Let's go!
How hot are we?
You want to buy a car?
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